How I went from numb to orgasmic
I spent my teenage years and the first half of my 20’s having pretty average sex…
I often felt super self-conscious and I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Sex was always over in a flash and the only way I could really ever experience any kind of pleasure was through clitoral stimulation. I was mostly numb to sexual or sensual pleasure and would often check out of the experience altogether, not able to be fully present. Feeling a disconnect.
I know this comes as a surprise to many women I tell because of my back story (I worked in the sex industry) which you can read about here.
It would have seemed to most of the Men I slept with that I was sexually liberated and really loved sex, but the truth was the opposite – I didn’t love sex at all and I felt numb inside. Sex was something that felt mechanical and I started to really resent it. It was more of a performance than anything.
Over time, working as a Sex worker I built up a heavy armour around my heart and pussy, like a chastity belt which was unconsciously to protect myself. This is what we do as women if we don’t feel fully safe and receptive in our sexual encounters, we close off, we harden, we numb out, especially if we arent warmed up properly.
Because I was often feeling unsafe due to the fact that I was having sex with strangers for money and I was so young I didn’t understand my body or my sexuality, I had developed a kind of mechanism or alter ego that allowed me to go through the process of having sex and pretending I was enjoying it when I actually really didn’t. Well, sometimes I did, but a lot of the time I really did not.
Because I was younger, I wasn’t educated about female sexuality. I didn’t understand my sexuality, so I didn’t know what I liked, I couldn’t communicate what I wanted. I also didn’t know what my YES or NO was. I didn’t have any connection to my pussy whatsoever, which meant that often I would not honor her no. This is super important as women to have this kind of sexual autonomy, but unfortunately, with the way culture is these days, there is a lot of confusion and therefor a lot of women who are not in their sexual power.
Both modern dating culture or should I say hook up culture and Media have a lot to do with this new narrative. Women feel pressure to be a certain way sexually. We are conditioned by porn. We don’t want to own our sexual power because the moral message is that to be respected women should not be too sexual. However, the Media message is almost the opposite!
So we need to first confront this confusion and gain some insight on how the confusion is screwing up the way we feel about ourselves as sexual beings! There is this weird combination of shame in our culture mixed with a message that women should be sexually wild and willing to do all kinds of things in the bedroom. That we should be modest, respectable AND also freaks in the bedroom willing to do almost anything.
This mixed message causes a lot of internalised stress, oppression and shut down which separates us from our truth and radiance!
It also distorts our perception of what healthy sexuality really is, negatively up our romantic relationships, keeping us from experiencing the most natural thing in the world which is deep and profound states of pleasure and extasy. Tapping into these heightened pleasure states for women (and Men) is super nourishing and anti-aging. I believe sexual pleasure is the ultimate health elixir for women. However, so many women have never had the experience of true pleasure and deny themselves of this gift that nature has given us.
Shame and Trauma also have a lot to do with this disconnect from pleasure. When we hold onto sexual shame, we lose our power and we become small. When we have a history of trauma, it is harder to be present in the body, connected to our sensation.
Sexual shame is like a subtle poison that slowly kills you. It literally eats away at your insides and it is something you may not even know you are holding because it’s an insidious function of society. Clearing my shame and distortions about my sexuality has been the journey for me over the past 6 years.
I can now say that my relationship to my sexuality is healthy and I can access pleasurable states with ease, but it is something I had to teach myself and really dig deep with.
A note on trauma
If you do have any kind of trauma that you are aware of, I highly recommend seeking out professional therapy if you have not already.
Working through trauma is a process that requires a huge amount of self-love and acceptance, patience, safety and support from Trauma specialists or trauma-informed coaches/facilitators etc.
So, here is how I went from numb and disconnected to incredibly orgasmic, wildly sexually liberated and owning my sexual power with fierce boundaries.
Note: It has taken a lot of time and perseverance but it was totally worth it!
I became aware of my numbness and disconnect They say that to change something in your life you have to first admit that there’s a problem. Which actually means first having an awareness that something ain’t right. However having the awareness of disconnect, shutdown, numbness or any sexual blockage or dysfunction is always the first step. Having the awareness that your not sexually fulfilled or satisfied is huge for many women as often we just accept it and slowly start to shut off. Even just knowing the truth of what we are capable of experiencing is huge. I had to be aware if my numbness and by becoming aware of my numbness and my disconnection to my sexuality and pleasure opened the doors for further inquiry and exploration. Also, I could still experience orgasm but my orgasmic experience was super limited!
I desired to become orgasmic I think I started reading about female ejaculation somewhere and I became super curious. I also started reading about the Jade egg and how sexual energy is the most powerful energy we have when we know how to use it. This was years ago and what really guided me to where I am now. I became very interested in this topic, obsessed almost! Reading about other women’s stories helped me to see that it is possible. I learned from other women that becoming orgasmic can be empowering, deeply healing and bring in deeper intimacy in romantic relationships. I believe knowing what is possible for you and having strong desire can really help you move to the next step, it’s a motivator for sure!
I got myself a Jade egg. I had no clue how to use the thing when I got it, but I had read that it helped to resensitize the internal Vagina. I started with doing practices that I read from Saida Desilets Book every day for a month and that was the start of EVERYTHING! I had my first internal orgasm with no clitoral stimulation for the first time not long after I started these practices and that was huge for me! I also started to feel more arousal and desire pulling through my body, as though something deep within me was being awakened. I was awakening my sensual, sexual self. It felt so good because it was confirmation for me that everything I read was actually true. The results were becoming real to me, beyond a concept to embodied truth.
I allowed myself to become soft and vulnerable My heart was closed off and shut down for years. I was totally armoured and would not let anyone in. I had trouble expressing my feels or even feeling my feels.
I would often get wild emotional outbursts that I found very difficult to manage and was just kind of unbalanced. This contributed to my feeling of numbness and disconnect.
When the heart isn’t open, we shut down sexually and emotionally. Past hurts, heart shocks and undigested emotional pain from as early as infancy will cause our hearts to close over time.
Emotions are the waters where our sexual energy flows through and when our heart is open and clear we can experience deeper states of orgasmic bliss and pleasure. I had to learn how to feel deeply – To sit with what was arising within me instead of numbing out with habits such as eating, drinking, shopping or whatever distraction I could find.
So, this was and still is a process that has taken me a long time but I now know for sure now that the key is in softening into vulnerability and feeling safe within that experience. I found when I started working with my sexual energy through certain practices that It would stir up a lot of emotion, this is because sexual energy can amplify your emotions. It helps to work on your emotions while simultaneously working on with your sexuality. I noticed how when I felt clear and open I could access deep states of love for myself and others, this feeling would amplify in orgasm.
The opposite also true – Stress and other “negative” emotional states can intensify or leave a kind of residue in the afterglow.
I focused more on Valley orgasm than Climax orgasm I learned from a great book called the female Tantric orgasm that there is a difference to being Orgasmic and having an orgasm. There are so many different types of orgasm a woman can have including clitoral, G-spot, deep vagina, womb orgasm, Throat orgasm, Chakra Orgasm, Nipple orgasm and the list goes on! You can also stay in orgasmic bliss for hours on end!
There are many different orgasmic states. I find the word Orgasm very limiting because we mainly think of orgasm as just one type of sensation that is usually a climax. Orgasm is actually something that isn’t easily explained in science, either. It’s kind of a mystery! We tend to think that we have to “cum” in order to get good sex. This is entirely incorrect.
Enter the valley orgasm…
The valley orgasm is a state of prolonged pleasure that comes from deep relaxation and surrender. Unlike an explosive orgasm that is tension based, a valley orgasm can be more like waves that come and go, with peaks and valleys that go on forever and ever. Where you lose your sense of time and space, getting lost in deep states.
This is the kind of orgasm that isn’t spoken of much, but it is the kind of orgasm that I have found to be the most pleasurable and also energizing, activating my energy body. When we learn to have valley orgasms, (not that there is anything wrong with having a climax, but I tend to find way more satisfaction in the Valley) we learn to circulate our sexual energy for more physical energy and vitality. Instead of the sexual energy going down and out which is depleting over time, we build it up and store it. This is ancient knowledge from the Daoist and Tantric tradition that is not so much taught in the west. To do this, you must let go of any attachment to a goal of orgasm and instead follow your pleasure and increase your sensitivity to the subtle forms of pleasure, allowing pleasure to flow through you without exploding. Breathing and moving help also. It’s pretty much like a meditation practice in and of itself! Also, having a mindset of surrendering to the moment, to the sensations arising moment to moment are what allow these orgasmic waves of pleasure to arise.
Being with the numbness Numbness is a sensation. As I learned to hold myself in a deeper way through my training with Layla Martin, I learned to become very sensitive to bodily sensations. These sensations can help us become aware of a deeper part of ourselves – The primal brain which is what controls our subconscious behaviors. As I noticed the sensation of numbness, instead of getting frustrated with it or avoiding it completely, I would just stay with it. I would feel deeply into it as a sensation and allow it to be there. Massaging it, sounding and breathing into it. As I continued on with this process which is known in the Neo Tantric world as de-armouring, the numbness would slowly start to shift into more emotional releases that would seem to come out of nowhere, than shift into a sensation of pain, than under pain I could start to access more pleasure.
This is where I really learnt that numbness is actually a kind of armour. The more I de armoured, the more I would flower open. I learnt that my heart and my pussy where so connected. In fact, everything is connected in some way. When I came deeper into my emotions, my vulnerability which is essentially my deep feminine core which both Men and Women have – I would feel an opening in my pussy, I could access more pleasure.
Through this entire process of becoming orgasmic, the biggest thing I have come to know within my bones is that true sexual awakening can’t happen with a closed heart. Accessing our emotional depth and becoming deeply attuned to the body is so key!
This is a journey and pathway that can take time so be gentle and trust your own path!